‘I used to be a writer’ says the writer as he prepares to write.
I got my motorcycle license when I was 15. I learned to ride before I learned to drive to save money commuting to high school since my dad wasn’t too excited about me driving a 10mpg truck from out in the country every day. Enter a $1600 Suzuki GZ250 that got around 85mpg. I rode that for a year and upgraded to an SV650, graduated high school, and left both at home while I ran off to the Army.
“What the hell does this have to do with TENDER JEWELS?” you ask? I’ll get there, calm down.
A few years go by in the army, a few motorcycles, but I watch Long Way Round and suddenly make the impulse decision to buy a BMW R1150 GS used clapped-out Kawasaki KLR 650.
I also decide in order to prepare to ride around the world I need to practice some smaller trips, like bouncing around West Virginia during a 4 day motorcycle weekend called ‘The Cat Herders ClusterF$#@’.
The part the audience misses during tales of glory from this kind of trip is that I had to pack my bike while living in an apartment in Washington DC while living on an Army enlisted soldier’s salary. I had to do a bunch of safety paperwork and briefings from my command, and also submit leave and go through an approval process that really sucked the fun out of Spontaneous Rides Around The World!™
I sold the KLR650 and kept doing the Army thing.
Then I did the college thing.
Then I did the move to Texas and get a job thing.
Then I did the get another job thing.
Don’t worry, I kept busy with motorcycles during these trying times. The perks of a good job are that you can afford to do track days, which I was pretty OK at.
“…but TENDER JEWELS WTF!?” Ok, ok, photo above, how squished do you think my nuts are in tight race leathers smashed against a gas tank? See, we are getting somewhere!
I moved on from track days after my first crash in 17 years of riding, and I felt like I had come, had seen, and had conquered what I set out to do. I take a 2 year break from motorcycles, and right when the craving comes back, COVID forces motorcycle prices through the roof.
I take another 2 year break against my will.
Finally, with the summer schedule totally clear, 13 years after the KLR idea, and 19 years after getting a motorcycle in the first place, I decide to buy a 2014 Suzuki V-Strom 650 and do a ~5,000 mile trip across the Rocky Mountains.
“BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY TENDER JEWELS?!”
When dreaming up a name for this blog, I questioned…what I questioned on this trip.
“What does it all mean?”
“What is the most satisfying method of travel and why is it a motorcycle?”
“Can I eat 40 hot dogs in one sitting by the campfire to save money on 5 8-packs of buns and 4 10-packs of hot dogs?”
No dear reader, what I usually thought about every GOD DAMN DAY.
I have tender jewels. The boys have had a rough go of it in the last few years. My ex at the time found me passed out on the floor in our bathroom once because my nuts randomly hurt. Many doctors, radiologists, and ultrasounds later, more or less I get Painful Junk Syndrome if they get jostled too vigorously. Like mountain biking, road cycling, or thousand+ mile motorcycle road trips.
There are two learnings at this point in the story, one for me and one for you:
- If your nuts hurt, go see a doctor.
- Order the fancy new comfortable seat before your motorcycle trip, not after like I did.
Underneath the fabric of storytelling that scaffolds each prose on this blog, lies the nagging thought in my brain that…
Damn this seat hurts my tender jewels